Chuck vs The Big Bang
by theheathen42
Summary: crossover fic, ensemble of both casts. My idea of the craziness that might ensue should the geeks of Big Bang happen to visit the geeks of the Buy More.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is based very loosely on a spoiler I read for the Christmas episode. It is also based on the fact that I am insane, and I love both of these shows. Those two facts are not related, they are just to let you know that I tend to get… wacky when I write.

**Chuck vs. The Big Bang**

_Aka The Buy More Coalition_

**Part 1 – Casa Bartowski**

"Merry Christmas, Chuck-man!" Captain Awesome enthused as his soon-to-be-brother-in-law entered the dining room for breakfast.

Chuck immediately clapped both hands over his eyes – not your typical response to a Season's Greeting. "First," he said, removing one hand from his face in order to raise an indignant digit (not the middle one) in the direction from which the greeting came, "It is _not_ Christmas yet, and saying that every day since Thanksgiving has sort of dulled the importance of the phrase for me. And second," here he paused to shudder, "Put on some _pants_, will you? For the love of _God_, man!"

Awesome looked down his bare, washboard stomach to his red boxers with the sleigh bells over the… front. "What?" he asked, shrugging and adjusting the Santa hat perched jauntily on his head. "The human body is a beautiful thing, Chuckles."

Chuck nodded his concession. "Sure. Yeah. You bet. Just not first thing in the morning on an empty stomach." He paused to reconsider his statement. "Unless it's a female body."

"Morning guys," Ellie greeted them, giving them each a kiss on the cheek as she entered the room.

"Oh God," Chuck groaned looking, if possible, even more sick to his stomach. "Forget I said that!" He swiveled his head this way and that. "Ellie? _Please_ tell me you're not half-naked!"

Ellie frowned in a 'How Crazy _Is _My Brother?' sort of way. "Nooo… should I be?"

Chuck gingerly removed his hand from his face and shuddered once more at the apparition of the barely-covered Captain hugging his sister. "I can't _tell_ you how much you shouldn't," he sighed with relief, finally sitting down at the table.

"Okay, then," Ellie shook her head in resignation. She'd never _really_ understand her brother, no matter how much she loved the geek. "So anyway, what have you got planned for today?" She wandered into the kitchen to grab some orange juice from the fridge.

"Oh, you know," Chuck shrugged grabbing a bagel and a cup of coffee. "I figured I'd seduce some gorgeous foreign woman, disarm a couple of bombs, and maybe get in a firefight with some bad guys. You know, typical Buy More day." He grinned at her, wishing he could tell her what he really did with his days without having to pretend it was all a joke.

"Right," she laughed back, rolling her eyes as she came back to sit down. "Be careful playing those video games at work. Big Mike is going to catch you one of these days."

"Big Mike barely leaves his office!" Chuck scoffed.

"_Anyway,_" Awesome broke in. "Ellie and I were wondering if we could head on over to the store later this afternoon."

"Sure, what for?"

"We want to do some Christmas shopping!"

Chuck glanced from his sister's big smile to Awesome's confident smirk. "Uh, great." He quickly drank down the rest of his coffee, almost burning his throat. "Um, but… you guys _do_ remember what happened the _last_ time you tried to get something at the store, right?"

"I'm pretty sure we ended up engaged, there, Chuck," Awesome winked at Ellie and she smiled and took his hand.

"And that's my cue to go to work!" Chuck hurriedly stood up, almost knocking his chair over in his haste to leave before the PDA's started… and he didn't mean Personal Digital Assistants, either.

**Part 2 – The Cooper-Hofstadter Residence**

"I can't believe they were closed!" Sheldon moaned as he, Leonard, Raj, and Howard entered his apartment and slouched dejectedly on the furniture.

"In all fairness," Leonard offered from his seat in the big comfy chair in the middle of the room, "They _did_ burn down."

"Yeah," Raj added from the end of the couch. "I guess they didn't know that the aluminum metallic powder they'd covered the life-sized 'Han Solo in Carbonite' with would react with the alkali of the ammonium-based cleaner they used, resulting in the release of hydrogen gas."

"Yeah," Howard contributed from his seat at the computer. "I bet that janitor wishes he'd quit smoking!"

"I'm pretty sure he has _now_," Leonard replied with a sick look on his face. "Well, at least he will after a few more sprays from the fire extinguisher."

"It's still no excuse," Sheldon continued as Penny knocked on the door and entered with a greeting. "_Everyone_ knows that AMP and ammonium combine to create an inflammable gas!"

Penny looked from geek to geek as they all shrugged and nodded. She shook her head and sighed.

Raj leaned over and whispered in Sheldon's ear.

"Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing," Sheldon answered him.

Raj looked thoughtful and nodded, satisfied. Then, he looked confused and was about to lean over and whisper again.

"Don't!" Leonard ordered, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Wait a second," Penny began.

"_Please!_" chorused Leonard and Howard together.

"But…"

"_No!_"

Sheldon crossed his arms over his chest. "Today is the release date of Rise of the Argonauts. I was going to be a gladiator!"

Penny raised an eyebrow in his direction. "Keep dreaming, sweetie."

"It's a computer game," Leonard explained. "We went over to our usual Circuit City, but they … were closed."

"I'll say!" Howard interjected. "There were 30-foot flames leaping out of the roof! It was a five alarm fire! Games and game systems were literally _melting_ before our eyes!" His eyes misted over. "It was _awesome_."

"Seriously?" Penny asked, suddenly interested.

"Yeah, I got it all on my iPhone. Uploading to youtube … _now_."

"Sweet! Let me see!" Penny leaned over him to start the video playing and Howard unashamedly looked down her shirt. "Eyes out of there, unless you want me to rip them out with a fork," Penny stated flatly.

"Yes, ma'am. Just… going over here now." He quickly scooted out of the chair and over to the living room. "Women," he nervously laughed to the other guys.

"Why don't you guys just head over to the Buy More. They probably have it there," Penny suggested as she watched the carnage unfold on the computer screen, not noticing the desperate hand gestures of three of the four men in the room.

"Buy More?" Sheldon asked, incredulously. "_Buy M…_ You have _got _to be kidding me!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Penny waved him off, still watching the destruction happening before her.

"Buy More is a store full of _hacks_ and _idiots_." Sheldon continued, hitting his stride. "They wouldn't know The Flash from a flash drive!" He stood up, the better to gesture dramatically with one fist. "They are dilettantes at best, philistines at worst, and in neither case worthy of my custom!"

"Kicked him out of the store?" Penny asked, not even looking over her shoulder.

"Lifetime ban," Leonard affirmed.

Sheldon sat down on the couch again, in a huff.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Three – Buy More Staff Meeting**

"_Allll _right, _ladies_," Big Mike started. He hitched his belt up around his impressive girth and started to walk down the line of Buy More employees standing at varying degrees of attention. "Big news, today." He paused in front of one be-spectacled and afro-licious geek to point out a spot on his green shirt. "Circuit City burned down…"

Morgan snorted out a laugh and then quickly put on a serious face as Big Mike came down the line to eyeball him.

"Something _funny_, Grimes?" Big Mike asked, eyebrow raised.

"No sir, Big Mike, sir," Morgan answered, swallowing loudly. "Just uh…" he looked desperately around and saw Chuck behind Big Mike miming a sneeze. "Just trying not to sneeze and interrupt your wonderfully informative staff meeting is all."

Big Mike nodded thoughtfully, "Good thinking, Grimes." He once more started walking down the line, making each employee feel uncomfortable in turn. "As I was saying, the Circuit City in Highland Park burned down today…" he paused and looked around menacingly to see if anyone else would dare snort. "So, we're gonna get all of their business coming _here_," he pointed downward. "Anyone know what that means?"

"We're gonna get some kickass commissions," Morgan stage whispered to Lester.

"I've gotta find my dreidel," Lester muttered to himself.

"Santa's comin' early, and he's bringin' a 40," Jeff pumped his fist.

"It _means_," Big Mike continued, glaring at half of his staff, "That this place is gonna be a _mad house_. Black Friday rules apply, and if anyone, _and I mean __**anyone**_, names a certain tropical fruit, there will be _hell_ to pay. Am I clear?"

"Crystal, sir, Big Mike, sir," Morgan saluted. The rest of the staff nodded in agreement.

"Good. I'll be in my office. Chuck and Emmett? You're in charge. **Don't** come get me if anything goes wrong."

**Part Four – Leonard's Car, Pasadena Fwy**

"So wait," Penny leaned forward from her position between Raj and Howard in the back seat. "How exactly do you get a lifetime ban from a _Buy More_?"

Howard pulled her back into her seat, pulling her unnecessarily close to himself in the process. "That's a story that you don't want to be told."

"Oh, c'mon!" she scoffed.

"No, really," Leonard chimed in. "You don't want to know."

"You know, telling me that only makes me want to know _more_." She turned to her right. "You'll tell me, won't you Raj?" she fluttered her eyelashes and flashed him a big smile.

Raj squeaked slightly and smiled back.

"Oh, _c'mon!_" Penny whined, bouncing slightly in her seat, much to Howard's enjoyment. "_Somebody_ tell me!"

"It was a cold and dreary day in early November," Sheldon intoned dramatically.

"Here we go," Leonard rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

Howard threw up his hands in defeat and looked out the window.

Raj shrugged at Penny with a sad smile on his face.

"Final Fantasy XII had just shipped, and I was desperately seeking a Japanese import copy," Sheldon continued, trying to set the tone.

"How can it be a final fantasy if there are twelve of them?" Penny interrupted. Four pairs of eyes turned to stare at her. "What?"

Three people shook their heads, but Sheldon glared. "That's strike one."

"Oh god," she put her head in her hands.

"Just take the class!" Howard whispered.

"_As I was saying_," Sheldon pouted, lips clenched and forehead furrowed. "I was seeking a Japanese import, and I'd been told that they had copies of it at the Buy More in Echo Park."

"You couldn't just order it online?" Penny asked, earning grimaces all around.

Raj felt around in his pocket for a moment, producing pen and paper and hurriedly scribbling something which he handed to Howard.

Howard squinted at the messy writing and read out in a monotone, "Ordering games online is for punk ass bitches who can't get off the couch." He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but then nodded his head. "Yeah, that's a good summary of the argument. Well said, Raj."

Leonard sighed and once more asked himself why he hung out with these people.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Five – "The Hole**"

Morgan leaned against the Customer Service Desk with his back to a soccer mom with an impatient twelve year old. He looked out over the madness that was the Buy More and shook his head ruefully. "Sheep," he said, tapping Lester in the chest and then pointing a disparaging finger at the crowd of shoppers in the store. "Nothing but consumer _sheep_."

"I'm sorry, what?" Lester tried to drag his eyes away from the 20-something young woman in the short skirt who was leaning over to inspect a TiVo.

"Customers, man!" Morgan continued, hitting his elocutional stride and walking away from the ever-growing queue of dissatisfied 'sheep' who were awaiting service. "They see an ad on TV or hear something on the radio or see the word 'sale' in the newspaper and **bam!** they herd on over to the store to pick up the latest 'must have' so they can fill their sad, meaningless lives with," he gestured widely around the store, "_stuff!_"

Lester bit the knuckle of his right forefinger and whimpered as the girl's skirt hitched up another inch and a half. He slapped Morgan on the chest, "Right, yeah. You bet. Sure." He straightened his tie and smoothed down his hair and eyebrows. "Now if you'll excuse me, I see a damsel in distress who needs a little Patel magic!"

Morgan slouched over to the Nerd Herd desk.

"What's up, little buddy?" Chuck asked, mildly concerned. "I haven't seen you looking this down since your mom stopped buying chocolate milk."

Sighing and looking down at the desk where his fingers were tracing random patterns, Morgan mumbled something inaudible.

"Sorry, what was that?" Chuck wrinkled his brow, bringing his eyebrows together.

"I _said_, 'I can't afford to get Anna something nice for Christmas,' _okay_?" Morgan burst out, frustrated.

"What do you mean?" Now Chuck was really confused. Between living at home and mooching off of friends, Morgan had almost no expenses beyond arcade games.

"Look, here she comes. Just… forget I said anything okay?"

"I'm not gonna just fo… _Heyyyy_ Anna!" Chuck plastered on a not-at-all natural smile. "Look, Morgan! It's Anna! Hi Anna! How's it going… Anna… banana… fanna…" he trailed off with a slightly sick expression on his face.

Anna looked at him as if he were an alien autopsy. "I hate the name game, Chuck. _Hate_. Don't go there."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Morgan, sweetie?" Anna turned from scary to seductive in less time than it takes for a geek to tell you that the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. "Are you still coming to my parents' Christmas party at the embassy on Saturday?" She bit her lip and played with the hair at the base of his neck until he shivered and squirmed like a little puppy.

"Heh. Huh. Yeah. Mmm."

"Good," she licked her lips and then leaned in close. "I bought a _special_ outfit to wear… just for you."

All he could do in response was whimper.

Chuck watched the obligatory make out scene unfold in front of him with growing discomfort. "You know what? I'll just let you two… I'm gonna… I'll be…" He stood up. "Later, guys!" Turning around he bolted for freedom and ran straight into John Casey.

"What's the Hole, Chuck?" he demanded, menacing glare firmly in place.

"What?" Chuck recoiled.

"The _Hole_, Chuck. What is it?" Casey grabbed Chuck's upper arm in a vice-like grip and maneuvered the thinner man out of general earshot before releasing him. "That pencil neck, Emmett, just told me I'm on duty in the Hole all weekend, and I want to know what the Hold is."

"How could you work here for…" Chuck trailed off at the sight of Casey's death glare and decided not to ask the obvious question. "It's, it's, it's the uh…" he gulped and closed his eyes in preparation for the inevitable. "The … Customer Service Desk." He winced.

"Huh."

To Chuck's surprise, Casey seemed to have something on his face which, on a mere mortal might be described as a smile. Chuck blinked and shook his head to clear his vision, but it was still there when he looked again. Out of morbid curiosity, he followed the NSA agent to what would no doubt become a crime scene.

"How can I help you ma'am?" Casey asked, all politeness.

Chuck watched, gobsmacked, as Casey assisted the woman calmly and patiently with no outward signs of anger. He was about to leave in search of the pod this Casey-lookalike had sprung out of when that all-too-familiar growl penetrated his ears.

"You," Casey snarled as he grabbed the shirt of the seemingly inoffensive young man who was next in line. "Need to leave _right now_ before I make you regret the day your mother pushed you out!"

Chuck blinked. On the one hand, _this_ was the Casey he knew and… knew. On the other hand, he was pretty sure that physically assaulting customers was against Buy More policy.

**Part Six – Buy More Parking Lot **_(five minutes earlier)_

"… so really, it was a complete overreaction on the part of the Buy More Head Office to suspend my shopping privileges for the foreseeable future," Sheldon concluded as Leonard rolled his eyes and slipped into a parking space.

"_What?_" Penny exclaimed. "Are you **mphmmthph**?" She glared at Howard over the hand he'd clamped onto her mouth.

"Trust me," he whispered to her. "You do _not_ want to ask that question." After a few more seconds he slowly released Penny's mouth, not without a twinge of regret. She really did have incredibly soft lips.

"Let's just buy the game and get the hell out of there, okay?" Leonard asked, impatiently slamming his door and then promptly falling down when he attempted to walk away. With a self-deprecating smile he re-opened his door and freed his jacket before closing it gently again.

"I dunno guys," Penny shook her head. "Are you _sure_ we should really go in there? I mean, after Sheldon…"

"It'll be fine!" Leonard reassured her with a wave. "That was two years ago! There probably aren't even any of the same employees, now. There's nothing to worry about."

Raj's eyes widened at the sight of the scary, drunken, pervy guy he remembered from that fateful last visit. This didn't bode well.

He wondered if the strange man would share his flask.

"Well, _hello,"_ Howard intoned with a waggle of his eyebrows and a hitch of his belt. He grinned lasciviously in the direction of the yogurt shop next to the parking lot. Breathing into his hand to check his breath, he waved to his companions. "You guys go ahead. I'm in the mood for something… sweet."

Penny glanced over and saw the tall, gorgeous blonde behind the counter. She almost felt sorry for the poor woman. Almost. If Howard was in there bugging her, though, he wouldn't be in the Buy More bugging Penny. "Later, Howard!" she said cheerfully. "Take your time!" No one seemed to notice that she kept herself between Leonard and his view of the bombshell until they'd all safely entered the electronics store.


End file.
